2021 started and things were not going well already. "We will solve whatever problem we are going. That's marriage"–he said that first Monday of the year. During a phone call the following Saturday via a phone call he decided that was it. "I can tell you that I loe you but I am no longer in love..."–he said. I remember very clear this call. I asked if we could think this through. He wanted to stay abroad. Start a new life. a life I wasn't part of.
It was so sudden...so surprising...unexpected. He promised so many things. So many years together. So many memories. He then realized I wasn't worth it. I told him I wanted to fight for us. That we were worth it. "I don't think so"–he responded (this time via text).
So sudden...and with a blink of an eye, my marriage was over. The person I opened my heart and mind to decided that we were done. January 9th. Fucking year. I already hated it and it had only been 9 days in it.
May 10th now and the longest I made it without crying has been 2 consecutive days. How can someone who said to love you and are about you just decide to leave. When did that decision happen? Why can't people have discussions? How can they not communicate? Why lie? Why to continue leading me on? Why to continue saying "I love you" without meaning it? Why?
I asked my self this question everyday until he finally decided to tell me why. Why divorce? He said he wants to start a new life. Start over. And living abroad would give him that opportunity. My whole being hurts. I regret the day I met him. I never regret anything. Never! Everything that happened made me the person I am and therefore I don't regret anything but the person I am right now is in so much pain. I feel so betrayed and lief to. I don't like the person I am now and I wish I have never met him. I wish that December 28th of 2018 have never happened. I wish I had gone home so I couldn't meet him. I wish I had walk away when people warn me about military people. I wish I had walk away when he was a mediocre boyfriend. I wish I had been wrong all along. I knew it then but then he changed and maybe maybe I was wrong. Maybe he did love me and wanted a future with me. Maybe those days not talking or barely showing any interests were busy and stressful times for him. So stupid. How could I not see it. Actually...How could I not believe myself then? How stupid I was for believing the words rather than the history. I should have accepted when I saw your face after we signed those papers. So much regret written in those eyes but I was stupidly in love of something that wasn't real. A fantasy I created in my mind.
Was anything real? Probably not.
Was he real? Probably not.
Was the love I felt real? I'm afraid so. It pains me to admit it.
I love him as much as I hate him now.
I want to hug him as much as I want to forget him.
I waited and waited hoping all the things he said were not real. That he was purposely hurting me. How toxic is that? I was wishing to the start for him to purposely hurt me because that was easier than believing he didn't love me anymore.
He doesn't love me anymore. But he probably never did. I hope one day I look back and he is not there. I hope one day I wake up and he is not there. I hope I go to bed and he does no longer appear in my dreams. I hope he is happy but most importantly I hope I am.
Promises are very important for me. I once promised him to be there for him always. I just learned that there are some promises not worth keeping and this is one of them. I promise to do my best to forget you. You were right...we were never worth it. YOU were never worth it.
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