My dear husband,
I write this directly to you. You finally called me...right after our divorce hearing. You heard me weep and be in pain. You apologized for being a coward and expressed you wanted to stay in my life. A month after I asked you if you wanted to do so. You know...I really truly wanted you there but the truth is...I no longer do. You no longer have a place in my life. We were never friends really. I now more than ever believe that you didn't even love me. You had nobody willing to be there than I so I became the default "love" but you didn't really love me. I don't think you even know how that really feels. I am more likely to believe that maybe you really thought that was love but it doesn't mean that you did.
I miss you and at the same time, I don't want you in my life. I want to hug you and at the same time, I don't want to see your face ever again not even in dreams.
I loved you so much and will always love the memory of you but just the memory. So...no. I don't want you in my life anymore.
I want you to stay the coward you were that January when you told me you were no longer in love via a phone call. After only a couple of days when you told me you loved me. I gave you a part of me that I was always afraid to give to anyone and now you gave me more reasons to not do it again. At least not as quickly as I gave it to you. You hurt me. You broke me into so many pieces and shapes that it is harder to put together but I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't believe anything you say. You lost any kind of trust I ever had for you. It is all gone. Thinking of you only brings me pain for the future it will never come. The plans that will never come true. And the family that will no longer be. I don't want you in my life.
I know you more than you think and more than I wanted to believe I did. I didn't want to believe you were that immature. I didn't want to believe how mediocre you were. I didn't want to believe how little you loved me. oh...I hate to be right sometimes.
I want you to stay the way you were in the past 6 months. Gone. Out of my life. Like the coward you always were. Go back to your little broken life and stay there...far away from mine.
I promised to be always there for you because I really thought you were someone worth keeping around in my life. Someone who would always bring me joy even when not in a romantic relationship and the truth is that you are not. You are not worth it. You are not worth my support and my energy. You are not worth my time and my love. You are simply, not worth it. I don't want you in my life anymore.
Everyone says that things happen for a reason. I don't want reasons. I want those bad things to stop happening...that's it. But thinking about it made me realize that I did learn one big thing I always refused to learn until now. That there are sometimes reasons why a promise is not worth keeping. This is one of those times. I promised to always love you and be there for you but that promise is no longer worth keeping. And YOU taught me that. I don't promise things in vain. I find that word very important and I won't say it unless I really mean it or I see a good prospect to make it happen. And I did...I really thought we were going to end things in a more mature way than this that would allow us to be in each other's lives and see each other be happy following their own lives. But it didn't happen that way. It didn't end well. I don't even know when it really ended. Maybe years ago and I didn't know. Maybe even the day we got married. I no longer care for the when or the why. I just don't want you in my life anymore.
If you ever find this, if you ever figure out this is about you. Just stay out of my life. Pretend that date never happened. Pretend that we both swiped right on Tinder but like in many instances, that match only stayed that way. A match that never became a meeting. Two people who once swiped right but never got to meet. If you ever cared about me and my happiness, pretend this is true. If you see me around you can say hi but you are no longer anything more than an acquaintance. I random guy I chatted on tinder but never met in person. I am just a girl I said yes to a meeting that never happened.
You lost me on every level you could lose me and it pains me to admit it.
Goodbye, my dear husband but you are no longer more than a memory of something that never happened.
-J
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